A free shot for your thoughts

I’m really trying to decide if my year is on an upward climb or a downward spiral?

A bustling street corner with children running around, riding bikes and roller skating. Free shots of raspberry soju outside a convenience store. Why shouldn’t there be?

What does this scene say about Korea, I wonder.

For a moment I don’t care, I grab a shot. I walk around the block, take off my jacket and come back to the stand hoping they won’t recognize the only foreigner they’ve seen all day.

Back to the question at hand. It has constantly occurred to me that my observations of Korea are only half observations. Without language as an explanation of events I am left to conjecture to my hearts content. My heart decides to muss up my hair and try the free shot stand again.

What do my actions say about me?

As someone who has spent their life defining existence through words I am left high and dry when it comes to explaining a culture I have no verbal communication with.

Some might call this the ultimate experience of existentialism. A person may finally, truly be defined by only their actions, but I constantly feel like I am only getting half the story.

I suppose Rachel could be a complete idiot when she speaks in Korean. I doubt it. She seems to do many smart things.

What have I learned about the Korean people through all of this?

They really seem to enjoy their free samples.

Cue the happy dancing sojus

I wish my grass was Korean, because then it would cut itself

Note: I really have no idea the statistics or popularity of self mutilation among Koreans. I imagine it’s relatively low.

But either way, Korea seems to have finally discovered Emo Music.

True, South Korea has been churning out incredibly sad love ballads and their videos since the Wondergirls were using children’s chopsticks, but this is the first time I’ve seen anything that I would classify as Emo. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m probably wrong. eh…

Also, you could argue that any music that is “emotional” could be considered Emo, but that’s like using a chainsaw when you’re only trying to slit your wrists enough to get attention from your parents. Like fake high noses and foreigners who only came to Korea to pick up Korean girls, I know Emo when I see it.

The music thus far has been tolerable. I only watch what Korean MTV spoon feeds me though, so my expertise is limited.

Anyways, here’s Nell - Walk along memories time (or some variation, it doesn’t translate perfectly)

And this song reminds me of Dido, kind of.

In case you were wondering, the original joke that I took the title from was “I wish my grass was EMO, because then it would cut itself.”

Of Raisinets, Grudge Matches and a Moment Frozen in Time

The day was hot and the battlefield dusty. A white orb, a split second, a willingness to dive that extra inch is all that separated the winners from those who simply weren’t ready. Mother vs. Female Teacher Dodge Ball: 2008.

Why no Fathers vs. Male Teacher Dodge Ball: 2008? Because the fathers all have jobs. I like when things fall into place like that and I don’t have to participate.

This was entertainment that only a perfect window view and a bag of Raisinets could comprehend. Mothers and female teachers are to human relationships what peanut butter is to jelly.

It is a well known fact among food items and people paying enough attention that, despite appearances, peanut butter and jelly secretly hate one another. They are always wary, afraid that the other will steal the affections of the consumer. Bread is a pedestal built for one. Similarly, a child only has enough capacity for one female archetype in their life.

Jealousy is a ball best dodged…just not today.

A hoard of women weave together like a school of fish avoiding a predator, they duck and they dodge as the ball flies, carelessly in contrast, picking them out, one by one, from the crowd. The women push others in the way. They jump and dive. One falls on her ass and is left with a broken ego and a backside full of dust.

The ball does not differentiate between the classroom tested guile of elderly teachers and the youthful exhaustedness of a new mother any more than it differentiates between the sweetness of jelly and the saltiness of peanut butter. It is the ultimate arbitrator.

Apocalypse now! It screams as it weeds out the weak from the weaker. Teachers on the left, mothers on the right.

Then it is two. They are young and agile. Full of spirit when they began they are now battle tested and weary. I am running out of Raisinets.

A scream. A bounce. A wave of excitement. The ball floats through the air. The previous day one of the teachers at my school told me she used to love dodge ball as a kid. However, when she became older she didn’t like balls flying at her face.

Then it is over. A fallen victim dusts off her clothes and stares at the ground in futility. The war is not over, but for today the battle is decided.

Peanut Butter is queen.

Maybe Korea Doesn’t Need Acid

The video reminds me of Hunter S. taking a novels worth of mescaline to Vegas. While it made for an interesting read I always thought that it was a terrible decision. Vegas is screwed up enough.

Lord knows there’s enough fluorescent lights here in Seoul.

This video is also pretty fun.

Gambling with my life

(Updated: 5/7)

I’ve mentioned before a few ways I could potentially die here in Korea, but they were all based around urban myths and fans. Hardly solid facts.

There are plenty of ways I could die in Korea. If I were a gambling man, which I am, I might even wager on some of the more probable ways. That way, my loved ones could benefit in the case of my death.

So, without further ado here are the potential ways I could die in Korea and their odds. A few rules though. The ways must be specific to Korea, so no heart attacks. Also, no myths or legends. Fan death need not apply.

Drunk Old Men - 50/1

They exist in every culture, true. However, here in Korea they take on a life of their own. They burn down buildings and harass foreigners. Dating a Korean girl does not make me a better person in their opinion.

I could definitely take them in a fight, and if push comes to shove I could just run. However, with the proper numbers and surroundings I suppose they could take me down. Or just burn down my apartment.

Which brings me to

Apartment Fires - 25/1

There are no fire escapes in my building, no smoke alarm in my apartment and there are maybe 2 fire extinguishers that are supposed to cover 7 floors. My school caught on fire a few weeks ago and not a single alarm went off. How did I know there was a fire you wonder? When ten fire trucks showed up in our parking lot.

My escape plan consists of me jumping out of my window to a tree 7 feet from my building and climbing down. I find it far superior to my “shimmy down the cable wire outside my window” plan.

Starving to death from too much Korean MTV - 10/1

I don’t have any groceries and I’m hungry. Still I have to watch the new Epik High video that just came on for the 3rd time in the past hour and a half.

Tidal Wave - 250/1

One just took out 7 people on the Western coast of Korea. However, I’m a pretty strong swimmer and Japan blocks most of the really big waves. Also I don’t have any plans of going near the ocean anytime soon. But you never know.

Galbi Restaurants - 100/1

An open burner + lots of alcohol + my face = death

Nuclear Strike - 80/1

I’ve already stated that I don’t think North Korea would ever do anything. At least not until the Olympics are done. I still am within striking distance of medium range missiles, so it has to get mentioned.

(sidenote: in the event of nuclear strike winnings will be paid out in twinkies)

Accidental Shooting - 150/1

Let’s see, Fresh Army Recruits…check

Gun cleaning and drills in the middle of my school yard on a bi-weekly basis…check

Soju…probably not, but you never know

Bullets…same

Disease - 25/1

Not necessarily from Korea, but just the other day China took measures to control the spread of a disease in it’s Eastern areas that had been killing children. I am not a child and I am relatively healthy, but mutations do occur. We share the same continent with India, Laos, China, and even African diseases could make their way here given enough time. Also, I really like chicken.

Nanobots - 300/1

You know nanobots? Those tiny robots they’re tinkering with that will be small enough to fit inside a person brain and potentially cure diseases (say the optimists)? Doesn’t it seem like Dr. Doom should be the head engineer on this program?

The technology is still many years away, but Korea is ahead of the curve when it comes to technology. Plus Japan, the leader in Nano-technology, is a 90 minute fairy ride away. For all I know I could already be infected with millions of these things. So if this post sucks, blame them.

Delivery Men, Taxi Drivers and Buses - 2/1

I’m actually surprised I haven’t been hit yet. Traffic kills all over the world, but I’ve never been anywhere else like this. Sidewalks are not pedestrian areas. That motorbike behind me just honked and told me to get off the sidewalk.

Traffic lights are optional. While this is sweet when you’re riding in the taxi, they are hell when you’re trying to cross the street. Not even school zones stop them.

And if taxis and motorbikes are the Velocoraptors of Korean traffic, buses are the T-rex. They can’t get you in as many places, but get too close to the curb and you could find one barelling right towards your head.

Now accepting bets

When the music doesn’t match

You might get a video like this.  It’s like if the “Soggy Bottom Boys,” did the sound track to “Gothika.”

Korean Pop Culture is to American Pop Culture…

…as Christian Rock is to Secular Rock.

So, with no other thoughts for the day I leave you with the music video that inspired this post.

American Candy

A brief flash of puzzled astonishment crossed my face as 15 hands shot into the air out of nowhere. Behold, the power of a strawberry jolly rancher.

It was not but 10 seconds prior that a lone girl sheepishly raised her hand to tell me simply “I can swim.” No one else wanted to answer the question “what can you do?” As a prize for her bravery, against such odds, the girl was awarded a strawberry jolly rancher. It incited near pandemonium. The classroom tried to buzz with excitement. Except, the young Korean students could not pronounce Z’s, so instead they bujjed with excitement.

I never liked jolly ranchers. As a child, I wouldn’t have raised my hand for anything less than a Reeses Cup. These Korean Students are a different breed.

They fiend for candy the way a vampire fiends for blood. The way they barrage my desk at the end of class, hands outstretched repeating the phrase “candy, please!” borders less on desire than it does on an insatiable thirst. Something genetic perhaps?

A memory of a 10 year old me training my first puppy comes to mind. Dog treats to sit, stay and SPEAK on command. A sadistic thought. Could these kids potentially balance a jolly rancher on their nose?

Perhaps, I could throw it to them so that they could catch it in their mouths. Maybe I could tie their wrists together, with the candy between, and let them fight till the other is left in a heaping pile on the ground in a stupendous display of Darwinian justice. Classroom motivator or my own personal death match? What exactly is the best purpose of candy in the classroom, I wonder.

I remember a story, translated to me over soju and salted beef. It was told by one of the elderly male teachers at my school about his early life, when the Korean War was not yet in history books. As the Americans came to defend the South they brought with them guns, money, and candy. Werthers Originals, I imagine. The task of the boys old enough to leave home on their own, yet too young to have real responsibility, was to follow American jeeps, hands outstretched, and begging for candy. Little did they know Werthers Originals sucked.

As the brief flash of puzzled astonishment leaves my face at the 15 hands, I can’t help but laugh to myself. A metaphor lingers here, I just know it. Fifty years have passed and still Korean Kids are running after the Americans crying out “Candy, Please.”

(A strange man dressed as manbearpig passes out candy to students during lunch. Not a single teacher I asked knew who he was. This was considererd completely fine.)

A completely scientific breakdown of Korean cartoon dinosaurs from the 80’s vs. American cartoon dinosaurs of the 80’s

You know, when you get down to it Korea really isn’t that different from the United States. Case in point: Dooley the Dinosaur.

I’d post the video directly here, but I can’t figure out how to embed videos that don’t involve the words “you” and “tube.” So for the time being check out Dooley the Dinosaur here.

If you’re too lazy to click on the link then let me tell you about him. Dooley, as close as I can figure is a baby Brontosaurus. However, he does not exhibit any Brontosaurus traits such as a long neck or being really really big. Additionally, Dooley has special magic powers. How did he get them you ask?

Peanut Butter and Crack.

Dooley Special powers include, but are not limited to: Flying, time travel, pointing his finger and creating unicorns out of thin air.

Dooley has a special friend with a big red nose. The friend with a red nose is from outer space (says Rachel) and has a magic flying broom.

This reminds me of my favorite, modern American dinosaur “Denver the Last Dinosaur.”

Like Dooley, Denver can also time travel with the assistance of an ancient rock. Denver could also play guitar and skateboard. Denver is totally, more radical than Dooley.

The mathematical equation for Denver’s awesomeness looks something like this:

Denver > Dooley

That’s math. Math = Fact.

I told Rachel about Denver the Last Dinosaur, to which she replied “yes, that’s much more scientific.”

In case you forgot, here is a Youtube video of Denver.

It’s smart being this hard…or something like that

It’s routine of every foreigner in Korea to make fun of the Korean way of speaking English.  The name of this speaking style is referred to as “Konglish.”  If you look it up on google you’ll get some fun examples.  I also suggest Engirish.com, although that is not strictly limited to the Korean language.

The reciprocal form of this I would call “Engilmal.”  It’s “English” + “Yongomal,” the Korean word for English.  It’s when I try to speak Korean, but screw up because the English language is based on over pronunciation of words, and Asian languages are based more on slight variations of sounds.

Example:  “Dahk Dahk Hae Yo” vs. “Dohk Dohk Hae Yo”

To read those in English, you won’t really get a sense of how they sound, because there exists no English letter that perfectly matches the pronunciation.  Let’s just say the pronunciations are really, really similar.

(I apologize for my computer not having Korean symbols…you couldn’t read them anyways)

Anyways, today in my class I tried to tell my class I was Dohk Dohk Hae Yo (smart).  Instead I mispronounced it Dahk Dahk Hae Yo (hard).

So, in my 3rd hour 6th grade class I told them, very boldly “Matthew teacher is very, very hard.”

Even 6th grader brought up in a society where sex is never taught or talked about (not even by parents) understood the unintended meaning of that sentence.

Classroom order was never restored.