I was looking through old pictures today and she asked me if I ever missed my friends or my home. I said that sometimes I do.
Looking through old pictures doesn’t make me miss home so much as it makes me miss the times those pictures were taken. I wondered recently if I had made a mistake and if I would rather be at home, or with my friends. Perhaps I would have been happier with those I have known rather than those who are unknown.
People who pine over what could have been amuse me (this includes myself). It seems that if something would have been then it would be…there is no knowledge, or accounting for those things that never existed…except in our imagination. This is what separates us from the gorillas, the ability to pine over the non-existent.
The only things we know are what have happened, and what is happening. We can make guesses as to the future, and we can imagine everything but the present, and that’s it. The past has already happened and can not be changed…only re-imagined. The future can only be guessed at. What is happening now…this exact moment…now this one…this…this…now…that one…really, it’s too short to do anything but ride it towards the next moment. Why worry, we can’t control anything…only try to react as fast as we can.
I attempted to step out of my life, take a break and re-assess everything I thought I was supposed to be doing. I thought my life would pause while I left and that when I came back I would simply have to hit the start button and everything would continue as it had been. But life is not a game of Mario and there is no pause. Instead of stepping out of life I instead set it upon a different course. And if I was unsure where I would end up before I came here then I am even more so now…my ability to guess the future has been thrown out the window (the window, the second story window, a heave a ho a mighty throw I threw it out the window).
Would I have been happier staying home?
Of course not. If I was home I would be imagining non-existent events still, just as I am now. I know now that new locations and adventures don’t change who you are, but it is only your perspective and contentedness. I will only be as happy with my life as I determine it to be, regardless of the circumstances. Maybe this means I have learned something, but I would rather think of it as simply discovering something about myself I never knew.