The NBA is a Class of South Korean 5th Graders

How do you enjoy your favorite sport when your half a world away and get no television coverage?

Let me tell you…

The Plan:

I am the David Stern of my classroom.

I have 30 students per class and coincidentally there are 30 teams in the NBA. I entered into a hat the names of every team and had a student choose one team. Based on the team they choose I will treat the student accordingly. I have set the students intro groups based on division and put them into “educational” competitions as a way to satisfy my competitive desires. They just finished their pre-season. Through this plan I have come up with my preview of the 2007-2008 NBA Basketball Season.

The Preview:

This preview will be based on:

1. The perceived fortunes of the team for the coming year

2. The way different teams interact with one another

3. The way a particular student acts

4. How they fared in the “pre-season”

5. And how I feel personally about every team

So without further ado, or unnecessary diction here is my South Korean NBA preview based around my 5th grade English students.

Eastern Conference: (In no particular order)

Atlantic Division:

Toronto: I teach them the phrase, “but I’m le tired.” Culture is important.

Boston: They are forced to eat reuben sandwiches everyday and talk about how great their life was a decade ago. This will teach them past tense.

New York: They have a crush on the ugliest girl in the room and offer to buy her six after-school lunches and a wacky wall walker. In exchange she will sit next to him in class. She decides to take the wall walker, rub it in the dirt, wash it with water and then throw it at him when he’s not looking

New Jersey: Will steal New Yorks ugly girl friend.

Philadelphia: sucks

Central Division:

Cleveland: Gets kicked in the shins by Detroit.

Milwaukee: Never shows up for a single class. Nobody cares or even notices.

Chicago: Gets to lick the floor clean every morning.

Detroit: Kicks people in the shins without repercussion from the teacher (me). Cries about how their toes hurt afterwards.

Indiana: Sucks more than Philadelphia. I teach them the importance of not trading for somebody named Mike Dunleavy Jr.

Southeast Division:

Miami: Gets all the girls attention at first but then ruins it by farting constantly

Atlanta: At first they knew absolutely nothing in English. But then they finally hired a private tutor after years of wasting all their allowance on cans of aerosol and imported bologna. They are finally getting kind of smart, but could be smarter if it wasn’t for all the aerosol.

Orlando: Wishes they were Miami

Washington: Gets to watch Sponge Bob Square Pants all day long.

Charlotte: Finally bought the textbook for the class, only to watch their pencil break…oh wait, they have like 20 more and the one they broke was dull anyways? Then who cares…good luck.

Western Conference: (In no particular order)

NorthWest Division:

Denver: Learns to count to 10,000 by doing 10,000 jumping jacks.

Minnesota: Just gave Boston their reuben sandwich in exchange for a mini bag of Doritos and some grapes that fell on the floor. This teaches them about food.

Portland: Has been held back a year…they will be masters of 4th grade English when next years fifth grade rolls around

Seattle: They get to eat ice cream every class. I also make them sit in the corner and face the wall.

Utah: Gets smacked in the hand with my teacher stick every time they mis-pronounce a word. (Did I mention that they gave me a teacher stick!?)

Pacific Division:

L.A. Clippers: Learns the parts of the body through lessons on the ACL and an oral description of monsters.

L.A. Lakers: Has huge feet and hands, but no hair.

Sacramento: Watches the same episode of Hang Time over and over again. That way they will always hear the same jokes.

Phoenix: Drinks Gasoline

Golden State: Uses rubber bands to shoot paper clips at the back of Dallas’s head all year. When Dallas turns around to look Golden State looks away innocently and scratches its balls.

Southwest Division:

New Orleans: Takes 3 months to learn the alphabet but by the end of the year is reading “Everybody Poops.”

Dallas: Sits and stews all year long while Golden State pegs them with paper clips from three desks back.

San Antonio: I secretly teach them improper grammar and embarrassing Kongligh phrases such as: “English makes me hard,” and “So many gay times come ahead.”

Houston: Trips every time they enter the room.

Memphis: Doesn’t elicit any response from me whatsoever beyond “Wow, this class would be much better if it only had 29 students.”


I really wish I could watch the NBA this year.

1 Comment

Filed under Narratives

One response to “The NBA is a Class of South Korean 5th Graders

  1. E

    Fanpop provides a good fix for dramas/sitcoms/comedies, but no idea where to get sports.

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